One Foot In Front Of The Other

SINS OF THE FATHERS

Every person has their own demons to contend with.  I am not immune to such things.  I walk around pretending that I am in control of mine and attempt to portray the image of "the guy who has his shit together"; although, I am in constant battle within myself attempting to control my temper, my appetite and my self esteem, just to call attention to the most prevalent ones.

I a continuously reminded of a biblical reference that I read many years ago which had a resounding effect on my personality as a young man who constantly struggled to make sense of the Lott that I drew in life:

"I The Lord your God, am a jealous God, punishing the children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation of those who hate me."

I was a teenager the first time that I came across this bit of scripture and kept it to myself,  never having the nerve to attempt to discuss the meaning with one of the many self proclaimed Know-It-All Jesus freaks who take such glowing pride in attempting to convince their many half-Witt followers that they have all of the answers.  I was intelligent enough to realize that if there was a true interpretation of any of this, there wouldn't be hundreds of different organizations explaining it in a different way and attempting to convince the world that they are all doomed to hell if they don't follow their way of thinking.

Nevertheless, I couldn't help but contemplate this passage and wonder if it held any personal significance for me.  

I watched my father struggle mightily with a substance abuse addiction that caused everyone in his life, other than his own children to turn their backs on him; althewhile he utilized the most inopertuned moments to insult, embarrass and mentally abuse them each and every time that he fell victim to his tormenting addiction.  

I, being the oldest of his four children bore the brunt of his abuse and was able to keep his focus, for the most part, away from my younger siblings.  We, as a family, learned to live with the fact that we would never live in the big comfortable home, drive the nice cars to school or even be able to walk around with money in our pockets unless we got out and found a way to earn it ourselves.  

I always wondered if God, whoever or whatever he is, was punishing us for something that our father did, or maybe something that his father did.  This bred an intense determination within me to do everything in my power to ensure that my children never saw the horrors that my father inflicted on me.  

Don't get me wrong, I loved my father.  I just did not like him very well and had very little respect and virtually no trust in him at all.  I could have lived with the fact that he was a bastard one-hundred percent of the time, but that was not the case.  He spent about two-thirds of the time sober, at which time he was a very charismatic, lovable guy who could make friends readily.  The hardest thing to deal with as a child was the fact that he would draw you in and gain your trust, claiming that he was through with his past behavior and was a changed man.  Inevitably, he would make a mistake, which could be as simple as stopping off after work with his buddies for one beer, which for him was the start of an irreversible process that inevitably led to a drunken binge that would last for a week at the very least, causing us to have to pack up and leave him to wallow in his own self pity and bodily fluids for however long it took for him to completely drain the family funds, thus rendering him helpless and unable to secure any more alcohol. 

This type of behavior caused irreparable damage to a young boy, such as myself, rendering me unable to even look another man in the eyes until I was at least 30 years old, and only after years of dogged determination, educating and training myself to confidently deal with the people that could help me to become successful in my own right. 

It would literally break my heart to have to deal with or even see him whenever he would behave that way.  It was almost a relief whenever he got older and his health faltered causing him to severely limit his alcohol abuse.  I feel that he knew that he didn't have much time left, as he made several attempts to rekindle some type of father - son relationship with me toward the end.  Unfortunately, I felt that I had been burned too many times and, regretfully, I let the time pass without mending those fences, something that I caution others to avoid.

I spent many years determined not to succumb to alcohol and substance abuse.  Don't make the mistake of thinking that I am a perfect example of the fine, upstanding, sober citizen.  I like good single malt scotch and a good bottle of wine as well as anyone.  I just choose to do it responsibly by drinking socially and maintaining reasonable limits.  I'm not perfect, and have, on a few occasions, gotten behind the wheel of a car knowing that I was probably over the limit, a situation that I am very careful to no longer put myself in.

I can only remember actually being totally drunk a rare few times in my life, and have always been very careful to not interact with my children on such occasions.  I also totally avoid drugs of any type.  I have always been in a situation where my line of work required me to be subject to random drug testing, which eliminates any and all temptation for me to indulge in such behavior. I even dislike and am very cautious about taking any type of prescription medication, no matter how necessary it is.  

Over the past five to ten years, I have had the opportunity to contemplate the significance of the old Exodus Chapter 20 Verse 5 warning again, due to the behavior of my two oldest sons.  I have been subject to the old nightmares being revisited on me due to their wreck less behavior.  I am constantly reminded of my father through their selfish, arrogant and demanding behavior while constantly trying to scam and lie their way into taking advantage of the people who love them.  This is typical addictive behavior, exhibited by anyone who has a deep seeded need to escape reality for whatever reason.  In our case, I feel that alcohol and drug abuse is a genetic weakness that has been passed down from the many uncles, grandfathers, etc. who suffered with the same sickness.  

So, I am left to wonder, has my long term attempt to break the cycle been an exercise in futility?  Am I left to fulfill the remainder of my life having to deal with an ancient curse that has been placed on the head of one of my recent ancestors due to some unknown terrible sin and thus carried down to my children's generation and possibly farther by some god or ancient alien astronaut?  

Who really knows....  But I can tell you one thing...  I'm not going to spend a whole lot of the time that I have left worrying about it.  Life is too short and none of us know whether we will be around to see tomorrow.

My advise is to do whatever is in your power to fulfill your obligations and always try to treat others the way that you want to be treated, so when it's your time to go, you can leave with a clear conscience and a good legacy.

They say that there is only one thing that you can do in this type of situation. Well, the only practical thing that you can do if you are a logical thinking person.  You have to wake up every morning and get out of bed, get dressed and move on through your day as you have done your entire life putting one foot in front of the other.

There is no giving up.  That just isn't in my nature, even though I have had to deal with a lot of adversity over the past few years.  I refuse to give up, even though the things that have been placed in my path over the past few weeks have been the most difficult situations that I have ever endured.

Unfortunate for some, but strangely fortunate for me, I am an incredibly hard headed person who refuses to accept defeat, where a lot of people would have probably given up and succumbed to the lure of substance abuse temptation, which runs rampant in my family's DNA.

I rarely drink anything stronger than coffee, and never take anything stronger than a BC powder or Metformin for Type-2 diabetes, and trust me, I wouldn't even take that if it weren't necessary to keep the blood flowing through my veins.

I make these choices, not out of some inner drive for virtue, but because of the many sad and disgusting things that I saw as a child.  I had a father and several uncles who were afflicted with severe alcoholism, and being the oldest child in my a family of 5 children, (4 after the death of my younger sister), I was subject to things that I made every attempt to shield my younger siblings from.

I made the decision early on to make sure that none of my children saw the things in me that I witnessed on a regular basis from my Father, who should have taught me how to make good decisions.  Unfortunately, he spent most of his time looking for the next opportunity to get drunk.

They say that Alcoholism is a disease that skips generations, in which I have found some truths, due to the fact that kids who are coddled and given anything that they want tend to find it easier to do foolish things, like drinking and doing drugs, than kids who struggled and had to work for anything that they get.